intothenight

I am homesick quite often. I do love where I am now and with who :), but I do miss the home-feeling and my peeps.

Dark times, specially, make me think of home. Like when I’m in a car driving towards my “Now-home” I stare into the darkness and imagine I am actually going to arrive in my “Then-home, yet still home”… you know?

Or when I look at other homes by the side of the road- I can see how a daughter or a son arrives home on a Friday evening from college and parents are there, waiting for them with a meal ready and expecting all the news from the past week. Like I experienced those days I was away from home, in school.

Last week, when I sat behind my Now-Home kitchen table and looked outside- windy, darkening, trees.. I shut out my real surroundings and I was at my “Then home but still home”…. Good thing was when I came out of that reverie I had a lovely sight standing in front of me. Yes, he understands. I felt good again.

I’m such a sob. And I know why. I had such great parents. It’s hard to grow up and be by my own and face the future. Are you not scared? Of being this grown up, everyone looking to you as if you knew all the answers? As if you could fix anything that needed to be fixed and console everyone that turned to you. As if your life was meant for nothing else than being a grown up who’s always there for others and hardly ever gets to catch a breath? Is this what we’re heading towards? Or are we there already? Do we get to have a choice? If we do have a choice, what else could there be for us if not the grown-up thing to do?

Staring into the night can be very calming- the stars… you can just “fall” into them, eh?

Staring into the night can also be very scary… The aggressive sounds of weather and this pressure comes over you… Hopelessness, if you wish for a better word.

I also hate spiders because in the dark I can’t see them approaching me which means I always get a mini heart-attack when they’re already too close. Ugh!

Anxiously waiting for Spring, so I am!

 

 

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