Warning! Some profanity in this blog-post. Do not read if offended by swear-words! Thanks.
Them (I use “them” so you wouldn’t know if it was a man or a woman): I was sober for such a long time. And today I thought, fuck it, I want to get trollied. It’s not like I wanted to be sober for the rest of my life anyway.
Me: That’s ok. It happens. As long as you end the binge and get back to work by Monday.
Them: I just couldn’t take the pressure anymore. When I’m sober I put up this facade while inside me there is a turmoil of emotions and laughter and tears. I never show these emotions when I’m sober. I have been humiliated for too many times to show my true self and I just refuse to be me because when I have been ME, people have used me time and time again. I came in to this world with negativity and I will always stay negative. It stayed with me. I think at this stage, it’s the negativity that keeps me fighting on.
Me: But I know what you are like, and a few more people know what the real you is like.
Them: Yes, and you’re the only people I have. I am so content to have all of you. I am crazy and drunk sometimes but you are always there for me. But some day each of us will die and then we are completely alone.
Me: Ah, that’s depressing.
Them (angrily): Stop this- it is not depressing. This is life! We die, and we’ll meet on the Otherside and we’ll drink vodka together and we’re born again and we will find each other in the next life. There’s nothing depressing about this!!!
Me: Well, OK, it’s just sad I think.
Them: No, it’s not sad. Life is a long stretch of suffering and death at the end of life is a welcome escape. A relief. A happy ending. Besides there’s nothing wrong about being sad. How else will we know the meaning of happiness if we’re never sad?
Me: This is a nice thought!
Them: I just want to say- fuck everyone. FUCK everyone!!! And fuck you for being so nice to me.
Me: Aww, Yes, fuck everyone and fuck you too!
*laughs all around*
This was the conversation with the person. And truly, I know this person very well. Their serious face, or short answers will never fool me. I always know this person has so much love inside them it would warm up the whole world and this is why I will never criticise them for their actions.
I wish I could take away their pain because they deserve so much more. I wish I could show them how to fight these feelings and move on on a more positive note. All I can do is always answer their phone calls, hear them out and try and make them smile through all the shit that life has served them. It still weighs heavy on my heart though…