32610138Never Eat Yellow Snow is a story about the bonds of friendship and forging true kinship in the most unlikely of settings.

As a recent divorcee Caesar should be sowing his seed but racked with guilt (a prerequisite for a young Jew) he is in the midst of an identity crisis, which may or may not be the reason for his impotence.

Celeste can’t get enough. Her passion for the big ‘O’ has led her down a path of kink and perversion. Jaded, there is only one depravity left to try; a monogamous relationship but is she capable of fidelity?

Alex on the other hand enjoys sex in the bosom of a relationship, trouble is all her partners end up cheating on her and now she is disillusioned.

The Retreat specialising in psychosexual and group therapy is their last resort at a shot of ‘normality’.

I received a free copy of this book from the author in exchange for an honest review.

*This book contains sexual themes and is intended for mature audience*

Oh my god, you guys, I haven’t laughed and cringed as much since reading the Frank Friendship series. For slightly different reasons, though, yes, falling to the same sexual category. Get this book, leave your inhibitions at the door and plunge in! *I have a feeling writing this review will be mentally exhausting because everything will seem like a sexual innuendo, but never mind* Welcome to The Retreat!

Welcome everyone to this little mixer. Today has probably been an interesting day for all of you so please feel free to mingle and chat amongst yourselves. Tonight we require one thing and that is your honesty. We have two stipulations. Dotted around the room are several bottles of excellent Polish vodka. Every time you think of sex or a sex-related thought, no matter how innocuous, you are required to down a shot.

Whether you’re a freak in the sack (no you don’t have to confirm this in the comments unless you really want to), a prude, hopeless romantic or just totally clueless you will find a character to connect with in this book. Totally relatable, outrageously honest and hilarious! While the first part of the book is purely around getting to know our characters and what has fuelled their sexual ‘troubles’, the second half gets a bit more hot and heavy. I’m not a fan of erotic romance books where every two pages there is a steamy repeat of a sex session, however, this book can’t be labelled a romance. Not at all. Erotic? That depends on you dear reader. You see, every happening, comment or thought will be psychoanalyzed in a direct and mostly funny way. Read this book as a personal therapy session, read it for fun or for turn on- it’s up to you.

Around the 80% mark a more serious tone was introduced by stopping on the topic of rape. I nearly felt guilty for laughing so much throughout the book until the past hurts were unraveled fuelled by the present incident but like with every difficult story there is always the journey of coping and healing. There may be a saucy and jaw dropping revenge plot included…

Our three main characters are Alex, Caesar and Celeste. They have come to The Retreat like many other attendees because their sexual lives nor relationships simply don’t seem to work out. I swear I haven’t read a more transparent book revolving around the human condition and the therapy sessions are downright innovative (except in that one case where it was criminal). The secondary characters as well as the councellors themselves appear throughout the story with their own backgrounds and relationship dynamics.

Celeste… the fiery Celeste. What a character. At first I found her hilarious and crude and as she kept pursuing Caesar about seeing his troubled impotent penis I found it as annoying as he did. As much as I found her snippets of ‘advice’ during group sessions over the top, I could not help but find logic behind her words as well. The most appealing thing about Celeste is her brutal honesty and in a weird way, as it turns out, her loyalty.

My red hair, it’s all natural, this doesn’t come from a bottle. You should see my fire crotch; it’s like a strip of glowing embers. My name is Celeste as in the Mary Celeste, and I’ve heard all the jokes about being a vessel for disappearing semen so don’t bother.

Caesar comes from a Jewish background and after getting a divorce, his bits have stopped working. With all the frustration he must be feeling as his impotence rears it’s ugly head, Caesar has some nightmares in epic proportions! Believe me, I’m not usually fan of reading the nightmare/dream scenarios but his are just so … imaginative… ! As a reader you’re introduced to Caesar who is in a most compromising position and ends up needing help from Alex (who I will talk about in a bit).

He regrets thumbing through the Kama Sutra, he regrets challenging himself to attempt five positions, he regrets not heeding the warning that urges beginners not to try the advance positions, he regrets his lack of attire and he especially regrets the misplaced faith he put in his lower back.

Alex is probably the most ‘normal’ of the the three MCs.. and when I say ‘normal’ I don’t really mean ‘normal’. Her issue is simple- she gets constantly cheated on, she is too trusting (according to her therapist) and all she wants is just some bloody loyalty. Her last relationship was with Eden, a cheater extraordinaire. Alex is introduced to us as Eden is humping away and she is not really in the ‘game’. That’s who Alex is… she would take the dull sex, to have a loyal relationship. But their last time was anything but dull when it turns out they had audience courtesy of one of Eden’s ladyfriends… oops!

Eden nods. “You seem a little uptight.”

“Uptight, we’re going out, doesn’t monogamy mean anything to you?”

“That’s your religion, not mine.”

“You think monogamy is my religion, are you really that stupid?”

“It sounds Catholicy, that’s why I’ve never banged you on a Sunday, out of respect, because it’s the Lord’s day.”

Let me take this review back to basics. What will you get in this book? A pretty intimate look into each characters head- what molded their issues (for example post-coital tristesse or in another case a fear of erect penises), what they fantasize about, and how they go about finding the way out of the labyrinth that is their sexual conundrum. There are flirtations, rejections and ‘Note to self’-lines.

The tone of writing is light-hearted and entertaining and truly? Even though I would consider myself a prude, I managed to fully enjoy this book because it gives a lot more than just the rabid rampage. OK, actually, it’s not that bad… It’s bad when celeste is involved, but otherwise quite manageable! This book is like a relationship- it’s balanced in between lust, love and friendship. Most of all, it’s the humor in the book that won me over.

Caesar is perched on the fifth step of the library ladder. He pulls out a copy of Gone With The Wind. The thick hardback has a tattered dust jacket depicting a dashing Clarke Gable holding sultry Vivian Leigh, against a sky of fiery orange.

“I wouldn’t bother if I were you,” says Alex, positioning herself at the base of the ladder, “It’s just a thousand pages of one woman’s indecision.”

“That’s it, there’s nothing else to it?”

“There’s maybe a little Civil War thrown into the mix, you know, to keep it interesting. What else have they got up there?”

“Wuthering Heights, Jane Eyre, Pride and Prejudice, Doctor Zhivago, Mansfield Park and oh look, a real classic, The Thorn Birds.”

“It’s a bookcase for hopeless romantics.”

“So, what would you recommend?”

“A flamethrower and a jumbo packet of marshmallows.”

My rating: 4 stars. I do recommend reading this book. Human nature at its very best and worst! Because I haven’t nor intend to read 50 Shades I cannot compare but what I’ve heard about the book, I don’t think there can be parallels drawn. Sex and The City, however might be a more close comparison. Except, of course, this book has tons of more humor… you know, if you can see the hilarity!

Amazon UK | USA