*takes an apprehensive look at ye*
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! 🙂 I hope you sent away 2017 in style and welcomed 2018 with open arms, minus or plus a hangover today- I bet it was worth it! 😉
There’s been a ‘radio-silence’ here for a while so I wrote the below as my explanation… but it probably is somewhat miserable so proceed with caution or stop here, close this post without any guilt and I’m sure I’ll talk to you under one of your posts any day soon! 😉
It’s been a while, it has. I don’t know if it’s the time of year with days off throwing the balance and routine into a complete whirlwind or if I am just in a complete system shut-down. Actually, I am not going to lie- everything feels like a bit of a chore lately… so much so, I dream of either being a 75-year-old, a rich one, with my feet up in a Spanish townhouse or… you know… six feet under. 2016 and 2017 quite honestly have sucked the juice out of me and I am so ready to throw in the towel with everything…
I am not here for pity, so don’t ya dare dishing it out. 😀 I think admitting the burnout to myself is the only way to make changes. And I hate admitting defeat… I am not usually one for new year’s resolutions. Not at all… I do burn the candle at both ends, knowingly, as much as I can because fuck it, this is the one ride I get so I might as well go all out. I guess, having this kind of thinking is to blame for being down and out… What I am planning to change though is something I will probably find harder than quitting the roundabout way of killing myself and that is time management.
I have been
reckless an idiot by mismanaging my time in between my professional and personal life. A total dweeb, if I do say so myself. I have only recently realized how much of an effect the imbalance has had on my life… When it comes to the professional side of things, then- Yes, everything that can be changed has been addressed, noted and next steps taken. There are some areas still which will need personal diligence to keep myself on track. As for personal side- man, I need to learn to wind down! Anyone got any ideas on how to do that without beer? 😀 Actually, nevermind, I love beer! And sure, exercise and yoga and meditation… But how does one truly switch off once you clock out? Is it even possible?
Books have been the only thing keeping me somewhat sane… Reading has been something of a show of defiance that I still have MY time… But life is so much more than grinding away in the professional system and reading. Other things need to happen in life… experiences, moving ahead into the future, planning… making sure there is a future to move into to… Time, however, feels like a pit of quicksand at the moment… I feel like a squirrel in a wheel, the carrot dangling outside of the wheel…
So… this year I will manage my time better! I will no longer say yes to every lunch conference call and instead spend my lunch hour as a deserved break, preferably not while sitting behind a freaking PC. I will no longer say yes to every plea of help and assistance, and I will no more work longer than I absolutely have to… I have a home- a home I want to improve. A home where I want to feel good and comfy, not a place where I come to just to feel crap about myself for being constantly tired with the amount of housework piling up, making me feel even worse. I no longer want to fall asleep and wake up only thinking about the day’s to-do list with a mighty dread… just. no. And I’m not saying I don’t want the to-do list at all- that would be utopia and a pointless life… I just wish the to-do list didn’t have to be a fucking Mt Everest every day. It’s absolutely exhausting! So, in a way- I can probably only blame myself again.. for putting myself into a position way over my head? I don’t know…
I had so many dreams and plans, one of these being self-educating myself in a number of areas and, currently, if I think about having to sit down and go through those plans, it makes me want to cry! I can’t imagine it possible. And, yet, I still want those things… I want to study! I want to spend a couple of hours a week to wreck my brain in coding, in the literary world other than reading, and there is a future business idea which needs beefing out… and I am letting myself down if I allow myself to deprioritize my personal goals. Negative Nelly alert- whatever way I think about things and try to move the pieces around, there is no scenario where it will all become unstuck. But I haven’t given up on finding a way.
Over the holiday season I switched off as much as I could from social media and felt good about myself… I kicked all the anxious thoughts about work to the side- no guilt! I cooked hearty meals- hell, I actually felt like eating!-, I joked with my husband, I caught up with all of my housework and I felt accomplished… These kind of things matter to me. The healthy and inviting atmosphere of home, the (perhaps an old-school touch) of being the woman in the house with my chores all under control… Knowing I have worked 45 hours a week does not give me that same sense of accomplishment… I am just a small ant, a cog, in a system and the fruit of my work does nothing else for me other than pay my bills and I want more!… And maybe I am being selfish but when I pour my heart and soul and sweaty time into something, I would at least want to stand up, hands on my hips, look at my work and sigh with contentment… Like that first cold beer in a sauna after a hot-darn day making hay… Man, that is the absolute best feeling ever. Bone-tired but so freaking content.
The more I ramble, the more I think I need to get out of the office and back into physical work 😀 hahaha… so far, writing this post has been therapeutic! And if you’re still reading this? Well- my thanks! Apologies for the utter verbal diarrhoea.
So, blogging… yes! yes! Over holidays I also read and read and read… I wrote short, few-sentence reviews on Goodreads and Amazon but I certainly didn’t blog myself and only caught up with max 10 blogs every now and again. I apologise to everyone who I haven’t supported over the last while… I may have dropped a like, may have shared but never commented. I simply wasn’t able to process enough to write a meaningful comment! Just know this- I did truly read your posts and I will continue to read them, even if slowly.
Which leaves me with the last bit of this post… How my big plans for time management affect my reading and blogging. Honestly? I don’t know. I may break out of this odd limbo I am in once I am back in the usual routine and bounce back like nothing ever slowed down… or, I may just linger around a bit less. Promises and me never got along… every promise ever made to me was broken and every promise I have made mostly caused unnecessary time restraints with the side dish of pressure. I am so done with pressure, with panicking, with overblown ‘ohmygodwhatarewegoingtodonow?!’ kind of shit. There has to be more to life than the constant state of a galloping pulse and curse words trying to break through the filter in every sentence, for feck’s sake!
But still… 2017 was a good enough year when it came to books…
I read some mighty debuts, I read a few trillers as I pledged in 2016 to do… I wrote some decent reviews (I did, too! 😀 ) but as the year wore on, each review came a bit more difficult… my brain fog started to take over and I spent an ungodly amount of time trying to string together sentences and deciphering my thoughts… I could feel some kind of brilliance (brilliance fo me, anyway) that wanted to break free but it just didn’t happen. Not to the level of satisfaction I wanted. Not to please others, but to please me… You know that feeling when you kind of know a word and it’s stuck at the tip of your tongue? Yeah, that! It’s freaking irritating as hell- like rubbing your eyes with fingers that you just used to chop chillies with.
But anyway, this is not a cry for a pat on the back or nothing… We all have our obstacles in life and we all get tired and worn down at times.. ‘Tis life and truly, I’m fine enough! I just totally needed to purge! And what better place to do that on the blog… Overly dramatic? I do my best 😀 Too personal? Yes, for me it is. It’s difficult to admit defeat. I hate admitting defeat but I guess I just wanted to post something to say and explain that I am not ignoring you/your blog specifically- the quality and standard of my support towards you all as fellow bloggers has simply fallen at the moment and you don’t deserve my half-arsed attempts. You deserve a lot more!
So, yes… time management… self-goals… priorities… I will find that perfect balance in there somewhere… That carrot WILL get stuck in the wheel and the squirrel WILL get that bite!
In the meanwhile, keep reading those bombshells! I want to hear about all the cool books you discover and I will continue to add to my TBR pile based on your recommendations… I shall catch you soon… tomorrow? Next week? Next month? Who the hell knows… Until then, be good and take care! ❤