Comparing yourself to the person you were to the person you are can be strange, or joyful. In some cases sad.
My mind is playing tricks on me at times, it always has done it. Difference is, that at the stage I am in my life, I am able to stay two feet on the ground and after a conversation with myself there is no reckless giving up, no reckless decisions, no foolish ignorance. I compared this me which I am now to the person I was and with joy I see that I have learned a thing or two from the past and can now say “No” when the person I was would have turned her back at the first glimpse of doubt and ran.
I had a conversation with my Mother the other day about our personalities. We always shared secrets. Never held anything important back. Yet we still manage to find new stories from the past to tell each other. For instance, I told her how I had been bitch-slapped by a scumbag of a guy in the face about a decade ago and my Mom’s first questions was “What did you do then?” I laughed and said “What do you think I did? I just walked away, because that’s the kind of pussy I was back then! If that was to happen now, that hand would be chopped off!” 😀
My Mother shared a story of an incident she had at work a long time ago. She has always worked hard, she has done a lot of night-shifts in her time and life hasn’t always been easy for us. But hey- work hard, play hard and keep your family close. That was and is our family. I also knew and still know my Mom is not one to pussyfoot around. With her, it’s straight out and take it as you want it. Her story was about a workmate, a woman. I guess she is the reason my Mom hates Russians. Sorry, Russians. But she grew up in a period where Estonia didn’t make anybody’s life easier. Being left-handed even caused her more grief. Anyway- that Russian lady had come to pick on Mom. It was a night-shift, everyone was tired, loud woodwork machines in full-go (my Mom’s painter by profession. She’s pretty much worked around furniture and paints and varnish all her life). And she knows what she’s doing. I always said that being left-handed eventually turned into a good thing for her and with her artistic mind she always pleased the big Bosses with her work. Anyway- back to the story- that lady gave my Mom a slap across the head, from behind. It was my turn to be “Wow, Mom, what did you do then?” and it was her turn to laugh and say “Well I turned right around and spat in her face! Damn it, I hate them bloody Russians!”
The whole factory of course saw what had happened, and people closer by had heard as well. Some people commented how they would never have stood up for themselves in this manner. But Mom- she’s feisty! She said she was never bullied again, by no one.
She also told me that now she’s laughing at that incident, but that back then she had also been embarrased of her “comeback”.
Coming back to her hating the Russians- she knows she can’t paint them all with the same brush (ha, no pun intended- painter painted.. brushes..) but what has taken roots in your mind decades ago is difficult to change. The same way it is difficult to stop believing if you are a believer, or the same way it is difficult to start trusting when the bond has been broken.
We change as time goes by. Things we did and said back then, in the far away time would be handled a lot differently if they were to happen to us now. It sure is insightful to realize that as humans, we have evolved, we have grown and have learned from the past no matter how painful it might be.