I don’t know what this is about…

Two things this song makes me feel at this moment:

1. I seriously can’t wait to get my drums set up in the garage because this song makes me want to grab for the sticks so badly! Make no mistake though- I can hardly play drums on this level but I can sure as hell try!

2. I am suffering due to a serious “drought” of headbanging. I wish I could transport myself to a metal fest like this very moment and go mental! There’s so much bottled up in me. I just wanna pull on my boots and let loose…

“I can’t believe it came to this, I live my life with no regrets
Stripped down, from all my dignity, you took it all from me

I rise. Every single time you lie
To me…I play that game of hate

As I slither. I slither down your spine. Slither!
I slither down your spine. Slither!
I slither down your spine. Slither!
I’ll take it all away…I’ll take your mind away…

Don’t try to comprehend me
Don’t try to criticize me
Watch me as I slither. As I slither.
Around your neck”

The song also brings back gentle memories which in a twisted way clashes with the song itself. I was camping with some mates somewhere in South of Estonia. Peaceful nature, tents up, bonfire, bbq and beers. I always enjoy going for little strolls and that area had a lovely thick forestry surrounding it, with a lake tucked in a shallow valley. There I sat, for a couple of hours, away from everyone taking in the serenity with my eyes while indulging power through my ears. How can someone, anyone, feel so in love with life through their vision and hate it at the same time with such ferocity through their heart?

Yeah, while I loved what I saw and experienced (sometimes I think I’m a crazy person for finding such solace in nature) there was a turmoil inside. Who to blame? Takes two to tango in most cases but self pity is a powerful notion and I think the lyrics of the song made me hateful. We’ve all been hurt and we have all hurt in return (whether intentionally or not) and gathering hate within can seem like a great idea to tackle our weaknesses.

My problem? I still wish I could get some answers. At the same time…

Sorry, I know it all sounds bloody cryptic…

At the same time I don’t want to become like a character in a sappy romance novel who blasts into someone’s life demanding answers for something that happened a decade ago. But is it wrong to demand for answers? Is it wrong to wish for payback? For a bit of revenge that would equal and balance the scales? Know what I mean? Does it make me evil even to think so? Probably! I admit- it’s wrong.

Time heals all wounds they say. But they don’t mention the scars which will be a constant reminder of our weak moments, our self pity, our self esteem which we laid down on the ground in utter trust and sincere faith. We risked and lost the fight as someone stomped on our naive souls.

Nah, I mean, I am not so obsessed with the has-been’s but when building protective, impenetrable walls around ourselves we need to keep a darn good eye on not letting them crumble, on not letting the things that hurt us so badly seep back in through the cracks. No one needs the bygone’s staining the present.

Gah, what am I on about… ?

It really is true when they say we are our own worst enemies. By Golly, the hassle we create in our own minds?! For whatever reason, it remains a mystery to me. Somewhere along the road I’ve possibly blown a fuse and am now carrying a faulty brain.

2 comments

  1. OMG! This is exactly like me…millions of thoughts, emotions etc. How can you love life and hate life at the same time? Well, I can….I am definitely my own worst enemy. Maybe its something to do with us being Aquariuses as well.. who knows…life is crazy!

    Liked by 1 person

    • 😀 haha, I never considered the fact we are Aquariuses .. defo a good “something” to blame! 😀
      My mother rang me this morning, apparently after our saturday’s convo over the phone she realized I sounded so terribly depressed… got a bit of a pep talk! 😀
      but yes, life is crazy!

      Liked by 1 person

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