Loneliness is an interesting feeling. Next to the loneliness which shatters many hearts into a million sharp edged pieces which then keep tugging at your insides, there exists a loneliness offering different kind of pain.
Out of all the places to be, this different kind of painful loneliness hit me in the middle of a busy city street. I was on my way, I was walking somewhere with a purpose and it hit me in the face like a damp cold rag.
Every being on the street came to a momentary standstill. As if a slow-motion fight-scene from a Matrix movie when the high-kick stops for a second mid air. With all those people around me I had never felt more lonely. It wasn’t the fact that I wasn’t noticed. It wasn’t the fact they looked different than I, nor that I looked different than them. It was simply knowing that if none of those people wouldn’t have been on the street, nothing would have been different. Sounds a bit like a paradox. A game of sorts trying to fit together a puzzle. Add a piece, take out a piece. Compare the differences.
I wondered to myself, why had I even expected to feel any connection to all of those strangers? Why had I ever considered stopping and exchanging words with any of them? All that people carry is pain. A lot of pain and sorrow- always hidden in their over-sized luggage labelled “Personal”. Often we don’t want anyone else’s joys either.So why stop and speak when all it does is add? But oh, how I wanted to stop and speak and find out. The pain, the joy, and all the grey areas in between. My loneliness existed because I knew no stranger would agree to fulfill my wishes. They would think I had gone crazy because of loneliness. They would think I normally speak to myself. Out of loneliness.
And this loneliness hurt. Differently than it would have hurt after finding out you’ve lost a loved one. It hurt less but somehow still felt important. The pain of this loneliness could only be described as a soundproof room. Being stuck in it, with no sound outgoing, nor incoming. And I was happy with this loneliness because it wasn’t the hopeless kind. The kind you feel after you find out your world has fallen apart.
It was an interesting feeling- wanting to go to these strangers and create a connection and at the same time having the fear of judgement. Fear and Judgement- the perfect recipe for loneliness. That nice kind of loneliness.
Prompt “Build your Own” by Daily Post writing challenge
I can actually identify with the words in your post! Very profound feelings indeed. Well written.
Thank you very much! 🙂
I can relate. Sometimes I want to go up to people and talk but feel held back
Yes… Sometimes held back because of shyness, other times because you just never know what response you’re going to get and it scares us…
Very nice reflection, I have felt that way many times in life.. and even today though I’m different I feel it now and then…. people have their own lives their own problems and their own pain and they don’t have time for yours. When I finally realized it has nothing to do with me or who I was, I started to feel a little less lonely and a little okay about me. Judgement is part of it, but expectations are even more important. When you lose them, you lose that pain. Thanks for the great post.
Thank you for the great comment! Well said and all true! 🙂 It really is important to realize every once in a while that some things have absolutely nothing to do with us- such a relief it is… 🙂
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